Our kind of love
by essukka
Summary: Gail and Holly,their story. One-parter. Based entirely in real life, and therefore there might be some chances to the charachters (for instance, in this story Holly is bisexual and Gail is lesbian). English is not my native language, so I apologize in advance for the spelling errors and mistakes in the grammatical tense. Hope you enjoy. This is my first one. :)


If you'd be one to believe in destiny, then you would say that you two were probably written in the stars.

The first time you met her, it was at a charity event of pannafootball. The Forensics Department had volunteered to organize the whole circus, and you, believe it or not, had volunteered to play, to represent the 15th division in this good will tournament. You used to play football when you were younger, so you actually didn't mind when Oliver signed you up for the task.

You remember spotting her in the crowd, smiling and talking with various people. You had never seen her before, but you were immediately intrigued. In fact, you couldn't take your eyes off of her. She was beautiful. Just gorgeous. But what strikes you the most was the warmth radiating from her, just like a halo, and you felt the pull immediately.

But for some reason you couldn't make yourself to go talk to her. It would have been easy; you could have used any pretence concerning the event itself to start a conversation with her. But you didn't. Instead you chose to seek her attention by trying to show off your ball handling skills, making some "cool" tricks as you were 'warming up'. Maybe, if she would have shown any interest in you or taken even a slight notice, you would have had the courage to go talk to her. But she didn't. And the most embarrassing part of the story, as you later found out, is that she has no recollection of you that day. In fact, she had had her eyes set on someone else. That still pisses you off, even after 5 years. Because with that, she kind of ruined the whole potential 'love at first sight' story. Others would just say that you have classical case of a bruised ego. You know, whatever.

The next day, coincidentally, you met again. This time it was at a job fair. You were not supposed to be there, and you sure as hell didn't want to be there, but McNally needed to sort out some personal issues and you owed her. So you promised to cover her for a couple of hours. As it turned out, that was the best thing that had ever happened to you. Because the hot brunette from the Forensics Department was there too. And this time it was you who got her attention the minute you walked in wearing your leather jacket and aviators. But it wasn't all because of your good looks, though it didn't hurt. It actually happened unintentionally and unexpectedly. Because it was you voice that caught her attention. It was the minute you greeted Andy, that she was hooked. And it is ironic, that you only had to open your mouth to get her attention (a notion that still causes hilarity and disbelief among you friends). Apparently, a deep and husky voice is a really big turn on for her. And luckily for you, you were able to deliver.

You talked a bit. Flirted. You made a lot of stupid jokes and she laughed to all of them. To amuse you you're sure, but still. She gave you a coffee coupon that allowed you a free coffee and a sandwich at the cafeteria. Apparently she had an extra, and interestingly, she wanted to give it to you. You thanked her, but you couldn't leave the stand, nor did you want to. But you appreciated the gesture.

You soon learned that you would be seeing her again the next day. Coincidence number 3. There was a seminar about hate crimes and you would be both attending. Again, you talked and flirted, but still you weren't able to ask her out. There was an obvious attraction between you two, but also something else that you couldn't quite pinpoint. Something, that scared the hell out of you. And you kept your distance.

So when the seminar was over, you said your goodbye and walked away. Idiot.

But destiny still had one last card in its sleeve. You see, you never went to gay bars. It was indeed a rare occasion. That wasn't because you were ashamed of your sexuality or you were nervous of those overly eager girls you hear about. It was just that you were always hanging at the Penny, and all – well, presumably all – of your friends were straight. They did drag you to some gay parties when you were still in your coming out phase, but after that, you weren't really bothered. All you needed was alcohol and some familiarity, and you certainly weren't a clubber anyway.

But after the seminar, as you were making your way home, Traci called you. She explained you that she had a friend who owned a bar, and the bar was having its 5 year birthday party that evening. You knew it was a gay bar, you had been there once or twice before. What got you attention however, was when Traci said the two magical words that were "free food".

One hour later, you found yourself in that rather small and crowded bar, looking for your friend. When you finally spot her, you were more than happy to notice that she had managed to get you a table. But that's not all what you took notice of. A few tables away, you saw a familiar looking person and your heart almost stopped in that instant. The mere the sight of the brunette took your breath away, and suddenly you felt like all your nerve endings were simultaneously on overdrive. It's a reaction you had never felt before. And when she finally noticed you, locking those beautiful brown eyes with your blue ones, and when that adorable smile started slowly to make its way to her delicate features, you knew you were in trouble. Big trouble.

She came to your table to say hi, and stayed for a couple of drinks. She's always been the one who has initiated things between you. And that night, she was the one out of the two of you who finally suggested a date. Later on you found out two things. Firstly, your seemingly straight friend Andy was having a bit of a crush on Holly, and apparently she would have taken her out if you wouldn't have said yes. That would have been interesting to see, but also, eww. What you also found out, was that Holly was really annoyed of the fact that you were being such a flirt, but didn't have the courage to ask her out. But then again, in hindsight, that was probably the first sign of trouble. The trouble you were about to cause.

So you went on a first date to a nice coffee place that you had both been before. They had the best coffee in town. You had trouble sleeping the previous night, in fact, you got to sleep only a couple of hours. That resulted you drinking way too much coffee during the day as your hands began to tremble and something in your stomach was not right. You were feeling restless and you were shifting constantly. Some might say they were nerves, but it was definitely the coffee. So when you went on your date and ordered an orange juice, she looked at you oddly. Apparently that was a sign that you weren't planning on sticking around very long. Which, ironically, was to be the case, even though your first date went smoothly.

You went to a second date, and then the third. At some point she kissed you and you kissed her back. But you were holding back, and soon, pulling back. She had to initiate all the firsts and you really played hard to get well. Too well in fact. You made her push because you would not budge. And then you budged, but not towards her, instead away from her. You started to make up excuses why you couldn't see her, why she couldn't stay the night. The lowest point (probably of your life) was when you told her that you bed was broken and couldn't take the weight of you both. You were really freaking out and behaving badly. She wore her heart on her sleeve and you couldn't handle it. She wanted you and you were scared out of your mind of the intimacy that she was offering. So in the end, after 2 months, you called it off. She wanted an explanation, and you told her you didn't feel enough for her. What an utter lie that was. The problem was that you felt too much and that you were a coward. You were a cat and you jumped right out of that tree. But still, she bought your story, and of course, she felt hurt and manipulated. Still to this day you feel ashamed of how you hurt her that day. You have made it up thousands of times since then, but still you can't even phantom that you were ever capable of hurting her that way. But she did well. Because when she walked away, she told you bitterly not to worry, for she didn't think she could have ever fallen in love with you anyway. So that ended well: with two shattered hearts.

Three months later you received a text message from her that said 'Merry Christmas '. You send one back. You send another one when it was New Years, and this time she replied. That was your way of saying to each other that there were no hard feelings. But there were feelings, still, and they were ever growing. After a month of you separation, you started to second guess your decision. Yeah, it took you that long – never underestimate the force of denial. But when the year came to its end, you found yourself consumed by her. You thought about her all the time, dreamed of her, fantasized of her. And that's when you finally realized, that for the first time in your life, you had fallen in love.

Soon she got a promotion and started as the head pathologist of the Forensics Department. That meant that she was assigned to most of the homicide cases that were handled by the 15th Division. And that meant that you two had to start working together. You were nervous about that, but at the same time, exited. You really wanted to see her again. And that you did. And she looked more beautiful than ever. God, she looked beautiful. And furthermore, she was unbelievably gracious. Not once did she remind you of what happened between you two before, or showed any bitterness towards you. She was professional, friendly even. And there you were, quickly back to the familiar bantering that might have been considered even flirting. You loved spending time with her, even if it was only at work. You wanted her back in your life, back to your arms, in your bed. But you also knew that she might not give you another chance, and if she did, it would be the last one.

So you waited. You waited until you were sure that you were ready and that you wouldn't hurt her again. This time you needed to let her in, and you had never done that before with anyone. You were like a stone fortress of emotion and insecurities, and you we're afraid what was to happen when the gates were opened.

And when you were finally ready to open them, she was already seeing someone else.

You went to the Penny to have a couple of drinks together, as colleagues, but you hoped that in the end of the evening you would become more than that. That didn't happen. Instead she told you quite nonchalantly about this girl she was dating, and apparently this girl also knew you. And indeed, as you were to find out, she used to be your classmate in high school and she also played soccer in your team. Fuck the irony of it all. You tried to hide your feelings and not to look disappointed as she told you about her – but you were fairly sure that she noticed. She had this expectant look in her eyes, something that told you that you should tell her about your feelings regardless of if she's seeing someone else or not. And that same look told you, that she still had feelings for you too. But you didn't want to mess that up for her. So you decided to bottle up your feelings and give her a chance to seek happiness with this girl you were starting to hate.

But as you ended the night sharing a long and intimate embrace outside the Penny, you both knew, that it was far from over.

And two weeks later you found yourself in her office, unable to keep the feelings bottled up anymore, and despite yourself, you told her how you felt. You didn't use the 'l' word, but you might as well had. Her reaction to you declaration was a simple "Fuck you, Gail".

But after that she told you she needed time to think. And then she left to spend the rest of the evening with her new girlfriend, and it made you want to throw up.

Her friends told her not to get involved again. They advised her to stay the hell away from you, 'cause you were a mess and she was destined for another heart break. Lisa and Rachel hated you really, and you didn't blame them. But a week after you had told her about your feelings, she wanted to meet you. It was a beautiful winter Sunday; you both had the day off and decided to go for a walk. She told you that she had made a decision.

Apparently that decision was made right after you talked. And that same night she broke it off with Ellie. But she wanted you to suffer a bit, and she was planning on keeping you hanging on a lot longer than, in the end, she was able to. For she was in love with you. As you were in love with her.

She was a tough bargain though. Her first demand was no more dating, that from that point on you were considered to be in a real and exclusive relationship. The truth is, you wouldn't have wanted it in any other way. Also, she didn't want to hear another word about broken beds or have to deal with any other sad excuses. You nodded you head in shame, knowing very well that you deserved that.

Later that night, you went to your apartment, and you asked her to stay the night. She didn't push you, and you really wanted her to. It was the first time she fell asleep in your arms.

And you did manage to break your walls for her. Or you did together. That worried you at first, but the fear of losing her was much more powerful than the fear of letting her in. This was your second chance; there wouldn't be a third. That realization was a hell of a motivator. Which led to something very unexpected. You see, there was a flood. Flood of emotions, a flood of reactions, and especially, a flood of tears. You couldn't remember the last time you had cried in front of someone else, but with Holly, it happened so often that it became ridiculous. It started when you had your first fight. Well, you can't call it a fight really, but a disagreement of some sort. And suddenly all your defenses and insecurities came to display. But this time not in the form of snarl which was usually your choice of weapon, but in form of wet and salty tears. And so, during that first year of your relationship, every fight ended in tears - your tears. And not because she was mean or bitchy, but because you couldn't handle any criticism. And it drove her mad, because all she wanted was to have a real honest fight, but it always led to her comforting you in the end. You, the tough cop and ice queen, were such a big baby.

But that got better with time. She stuck around and you became more confident of yourself and your relationship. It was the first time in your life you felt what it was to be the first choice for someone, and that had such a healing affect on you. You mother always made you feel like you weren't good enough, that you were a disappointment even when you tried you hardest. But with Holly, you felt accepted, loved the way you were, even if it took some time for you to realize. Because the first year you waited for the other shoe to drop, for her to find out that the image of you is far from the reality of what you really are. You told her this at some point, that you weren't as exciting and bad ass as you gave out to be. But she just smiled at you, kissed you, and told you not to worry. Because she saw you. And she loved you.

On your first anniversary you joked about renewing your relationship contract for another 2 years, because the deal had been satisfying for both parties. It was a joke, but the thought of it was in some ways comforting; you were both afraid of commitment, and making too many promises about the future would have probably just sent either of you to the hills. So it was your way of promising to each other that you will take it one day at a time. And as funny as it sounds, that made you love each other even more.

Now it's been five years. She has loved you for five years. And you have loved her just as long, if not longer. During that time, you have moved in together, taken a year off and spent it in Italy. Her friends forgave you, started liking you and now they kind of love you. You bought a townhouse in which you live in now. It was hard to find the right wall paper to your bedroom because she likes flowers and you like graphic patterns. But you were able to compromise.

And that's what you do now, you compromise, but it still doesn't feel like you have to give anything up. Not at least anything that really matters. And finally, when in the age of 31 you inform her that you want to go back to school and study a new degree, she is happy for you. You don't know how you can afford to pay off your mortgage, but still, she supports you.

It hasn't always been easy. There have been doubts, surprisingly more from her part than from yours. You have come to realize, that for her the outer expectations have been more difficult to handle. You define yourself as a lesbian, and that is the end of the conversation. But Holly, she defines herself as bisexual, and therefore many seem to think that her being in a relationship with a woman is, in fact, a choice. And what's worse, her family seemed to agree. They were fine with her first girlfriend, because they saw it just a phase, but when you came along, things changed. Suddenly they had to take her bi-sexuality seriously, and they started questioning her choices. And she wasn't immune to it even though she tried her hardest. The more serious your relationship became, the more she started to question whether it was the lifestyle she wanted for herself. And truth be told, she did have a choice. She could have chosen the so called white picket fence package, which would have been easier in so many ways.

You don't pretend it didn't hurt you. The fact that she was even thinking her choices, let alone telling you that she was having doubts, hurt like hell. But you managed to wait patiently for her to decide what she wanted to do. Because no-one had ever stuck around with her. From a young age on, she's had people turned their backs on her. And you needed to show her that you wouldn't do that. That she was also your first choice. And you felt brave because this time it was you that was wearing you heart in your sleeve, instead of running away. She had made you strong and now it was your time to give something back, to allow her to have her insecurities without making them your own. Because you knew for sure, that you two were meant to be.

And in the end, all her pondering, it was all in vain, because she couldn't imagine a life without you. So she decided to take the harder road with you, because you were worth it. It may not sound noble, but the amount of shit she has had to endure in life so far, you wouldn't have blamed her for choosing the easier way.

One night, when you were lying in bed cuddled up in each other, she told you, that while she might have been the one to teach you about how relationships work, you were the one who was teaching her about love.

Now your relationship contract is yet again coming to an end. You will renew it, or course. But this time you want to make a different kind of deal with her. A longer one. So you buy her a ring and hope to god she doesn't throw it in your face. Well, she probably won't, seeing as you talked about this already when you decided together to have kids. You lost the first one unfortunately, but that ordeal just made your relationship stronger. You are starting a family together, but at the same time, you know in your heart that you already are one. She's your family, your home.

She's your first love, and even when you might not be her first love, you are the love of each other's lives. And it's not a fairytale, not by a long shot, but it's a beautiful story that resonates in all that you are, individually and together. It's your story, and therefore, the most precious of them all. The story of second chances.

And you…. you have become such a sap. Who would have known?


End file.
